november 20, 20-23

with annotations and links!

november 20, 2020

i wake up in my bed and i look at simba for reassurance¹. first morning in my bed after spending 3 weeks in turkey trying to heal my life. forehead is wet. hands are shaky. the remnants of another night terror. i make it to the bathroom and splash water on my face. not me is on the other side of the mirror. i make it to the kitchen where i crash in front of the fridge. it’s right here where every abuse, every betrayal, every lie, hits me like another brick to the back of the neck². it keeps playing over and over. i don’t want to carry these sins on my back. after being brought back to reality by bisoux’s barking, i decide i’m gonna put one foot before the other, and god damn it, i refuse to let me go³.

november 20, 2021

i wake up in my bed and i just wanna have a good day⁴. the breath finds me before the alarm goes off⁵ so i wait for the song to start playing. think it in my head then it happens how it should, ay!⁶ i’m up, i’m up, i tell bisoux. i walk to the bathroom and say good morning, gorgeous. upward spiral⁷: affirmations, shower, dance, walk with bisoux, play mario kart (until i start losing). strong britney! i repeat to myself on the way to the gathering of social workers for friends-giving. i laugh. i make jokes. i remember i am love.

november 20, 2022

i wake up in my bed and i just wanna have a good day. how could I not? i just reclaimed the land⁸. “good morning, superstar” i say to myself. i notice the gleam in my eye, because of carter, i’m a little hypnotized⁹. raspy mimi, plays very out loud so i can drown out my inner saboteur. i win against those thoughts and make it to harlem. right before midnight, carter is gonna put on my santa hat and stare into my eyes. right when i catch his intensity, i discover a blue feeling i got for him.

november 20, 2023

i wake up in a hotel bed and i know i’m gonna have a good day. valeria just landed, she’s about to meet me here, in paris. i don’t have a story yet. i wanted to write this since my adorable iphone reminded me that november 20 has been a day i’ve lived fully. god knows where i’ll be or what’ll be happening next year, but one thing’s for sure: it’ll be november 20th.

a good day. a good life.

1. i have a limited edition simba print hung right next to my bed. if i can see it, if i can see simba and not be it, then the nightmare is over. i’m safe.

2. i haven’t written about that episode. in due time, bbs. a brick to the back of the neck is accurate af. trust me.

3. elizabeth taylor is mother, i mean, abuela.

4. ariana grande - just like magic. positions changed my life. no cap. “redesign your brain we gon’ make some new habits” is gonna be the subject of an upcoming post. hold me to it!

5. when i write x finds me before x, it means i’m in a complete state of panic

6. hello, the secret?????????????

7. never read the book but we love the concept and practice it daily

8. i went back to the house. remind me to write about it!

9. mariah carey - sweetheart