I was living in Puerto Rico, sophomore in college, and my dad had just been unconscious in the ICU for 3 days. Heavy is the burden I carry, but having to make life or death decisions was the straw that broke this lion’s back. The first time.
So at 19 I started therapy with a psychologist at campus. She took care of me till graduation.
Cultural differences made therapy in New York City very difficult, as I told Self Magazine in 2019:
I hate to say it. I hope I don’t sound ridiculous, but Betterhelp saved me in 2020. I lucked out. Gabby’s was heaven sent. She taught me how to learn about my brain, the way I think, the way I feel, and how do I feel.
We built stress tolerance. Went over my thought tracking journal 2x a week. We discussed tv shows that helped me understand PTSD. She recommended movies to better conceptualize the inner critic and how the mind and body are connected. I shared music that named what I couldn’t and what I still haven’t.
I started doing so well I got the job I still have. We had to part ways. I left with Gabby’s recommendation to seek a dialectic behavioral therapist. I do as told, sometimes!
My current therapist, a Jamaican goddess named Amelia, gets me together!!! I can’t read her emotions which is fantastic because the therapy modality tends to be confrontational. The goal is to break the barrier of binary thinking and do away with rotting core beliefs and so. many. other. stupidity I’ve been corrupted with. Her blank stare helps reduce the tension.
Recently, we had a breakthrough.
Getting back with whatshisface was something we discussed at length for months. I wanted to be sure that opening up myself for rejection wouldn’t hinder my progress. It didn't! HE WANTED ME BACK, TOO!!!
And two weeks later, I was back to short responses, if any at all. On a very unlucky Friday, while I was having my 3 pm coffee, whatshisface texted that he didn’t have capacity for me.
An hour later:
It’s been rough. I’ve been really angry at myself for believing it was gonna be different and all the things we feel when a relationship doesn’t work out. Multiplied by the stories you’ve read and the ones I haven’t written.
Amelia.. God bless her. I was sharing about the conversation I planned to have with whatshisface about ways we can work around what’s been happening in his life and how to manage my response to his actions. Lucky for you, I record my therapy sessions so here’s exactly what was said:
Amelia: I’m saying to you, yes we are responsible for our behavior but we also have to look at the triggers and what got us there because regardless of the facts, sometimes there’s blame to go around and not always our way. It’s not always you, Luis. It’s not always your triggers.
Me: Yes, and I want to get to a place where these situations can happen and I can feel them as they are and not the totality of this bullshit life- listen I don’t want to be J.Lo. I don’t want to be a 54 year old justifying how I’m treated in relationships. I don’t what that.
Amelia’s poker face was no more. Her hands, her mouth, her eyes.
And then Amelia:
OH MY GOD. I just got so emotional when you said that. Because when we always talk about J.Lo and how you relate to her and the trauma, all I hear, ALWAYS, is how J.Lo- this is happening because of other people. And for you to say what you just said? That’s your AHA moment right there!!!!”
Jennifer and Ben are absolutely getting divorced. Me and whatshisface is cancelled.
I need to borrow Amelia 😅