the mother i never had
you can listen to this story
i’m seven years old and i come home after crying painful tears in the school bathroom, again. they had taunted me, again. my aunt tries to make me feel better by putting on a robin williams movie, jack.
robin plays a 10 year old in the body of a grown man. he’s bullied by the kids and feels out of place, like i’ve always felt. i was a seven year old without a mom. she left when i was a baby.
in robin’s movie, jack, he has a teacher, miss marquez. she’s so sweet, so beautiful. i feel warm when she’s on the tv. i get lost in it, lost in her. her warmth. her kindness. my mind starts to race into the darkness i've been accustomed to but her smile… is she? could she be my mom?
my seven year old self did make believe she was my mom. i still do. miss marquez was played by jennifer lopez.
as life would have it, she would go on to become more than just the northern star in my life. she’s the world's biggest superstar.
since i was seven years old, every single year, there’s been a jennifer movie, an album, a perfume, something. her image became a constant reminder to be better, to want more. her lyrics, my bible. her movies, an escape from the ever present abandonment. thinking of her puts me at ease.
ps- remember her last scene on hustlers? i haven’t recovered.
Similarly, my dad looked like Lionel Richie back in the day and whenever I see Lionel I pretend he's my dad instead of my real dad who wasn't much of a dad at all. Hello? It was him I was looking for.