the britney in me

life doesn't always go my way

the words are starting to come together. one thing that struck out from britney's book was this:

“i’m probably the least fearful woman alive at this point but it doesn’t make me feel strong. it makes me sad. i shouldn’t be this strong.”

i struggle every single day of my life. the anxiety embedded in my soul, the panic in my ears, the scars on my skin. i question wether something i'm experiencing is actually happening; stuck in a déjà vu. always. every single time i step outside.

and i just keep overcoming, everything, always.

i shouldn't have to.

i’m exhausted.

i made it through yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. i will make it through today. i am so strong. i am too strong. and yet underneath it all, is this constant, never ending feeling of not ever being good enough. at anything. ever.

the woman in me helped me remember.

it's rotten what they did to me. my brain was hijaked. my body was violated. my spirit... broken.

and somehow, not from memory but hope. there was something out there for me and i needed to find it.

i found it but this pain never left me.

and this constant struggle of not being like them has made me feel, after surviving all of it, holding onto so much anger from what they did to me, that i'm never good enough.

but britney is right.

i wasn't good. i was great.