it's a wrap!

crispy chicken, fresh lettuce, three cheeses

My hopes for a grand 2023 were crushed on the last day of January.

I knew what it meant and you do, too! It took a toll. Not to do oppression olympics, cuz I’ll always win, but have you ever been so triggered your skin turns against you? It’s the most glaring sign that something is really wrong. And, yo, SO MUCH WAS GOING WRONG! I had the biggest falling out I’ve ever had with my dad and my brother in February. I felt lied to and betrayed. It fucked me up pretty badly.

Because I struggle with sharing and being honest with my primal feelings, I kept it to myself but by mid March I couldn’t anymore.

We LOVE Amanda Bynes and wish her well always. The discourse following her situation made the cosmos shift. And yes, I was listening to Forever Don't Last. At 10 am. I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING THROUGH IT!

Big shotout to my therapist for getting me to finally understand that *I* have severe anxiety and *I* don’t have to live like this. I can take meds for anxiety??????? This is when I tell you I’ve been barebacking this PTSD since it hit in October 2020. I had to stop being stubborn and accept the help being offered to me. The hilarity of me working with folks who have severe mental illness and being oblivious to my own condition.

God works in mysterious ways and thee main doll who lives in Turkey had made plans to spend April in Puerto Rico which meant I was going to spend my birthday in Puerto Rico. I was terrified of having a breakdown on my birthday because unfortunately being home is constantly being triggered, ya know? Instead, my friends showed up. It was the best episode yet.

The ‘self-care’ trip I had planned to Colombia for May couldn’t have come at a better time. Luxury, shopping, delicious food, mani, pedis, botox, everything I needed. I also got braids and, damn, that boy is fire and he DESERVES! It hit me real good that I was able to do all that on my own. Empowerment was crucial to overcome having to create distance between me and my family.

With the June solstice, healing. I performed The Voice of God at Written in Brooklyn and Pull Away When The Dream Dies at Queer to Tell. Being vulnerable in front of strangers made me stand a little taller, walk with a bit more swag.

I love summer but I loathe the heat so July I kept to myself. Recuperating? Reassessing? Loving the Barbie movie! I found an error fare for Paris and bought it. The Ricans reunited and it felt so good.

My friend Jon made the ultimate proposal a week before August was to commence. Would I like to go to Vegas for Kelly Clarkson’s residency? Absolutely, yes. Can we talk? I gotta write about how I learned English.

Ms. Clarkson was instrumental in that because Breakaway came out in 2004 as I had just moved to Pennsylvania since Puerto Rico had no room for my 14 year old self. Needless to explain why Anne Hathaway is mother. Breakway was the lead single of The Princess Diaries 2. It comforted my soul even though I was miiiiiiiiiiiserable. I won’t write that I tried to k-word myself but it’s all I saw when I went to sleep. Then Kelly gave me solace: I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly. I’ll do what it takes till I touch the sky. Kelly Clarkson sang. those. lyrics. to me. eye. to. eye.

I was SO present in Vegas with this superstar singing to me the song that kept me going when nothing else did. Am I so beyond blessed or what?

Also, remind me to write about the absolute mindfuck of being in the pool, 3 margaritas in by noon, and having a new friend straight up say to you, “have you ever been in love, Luis?” That night, I prayed before I feel asleep. I continue to do so.

I came back ready to live my life and dance again so that meant an intense and really fun week long affair with a tall and lean king. My friend Tony read me for filth. And he wasn’t wrong:

Mid September I went with my darling friend Amani to the Rest is Resistance exhibit at NYU. The power of friends. She said, this one reminds me of your Britney and uncle story. I used to quote this for laughs, la di da, but now I say it for real:

Also in September, I decided to start this blog.

when the evidence of our wounds was reborn as petals...

Britney released her memoir in October and I wrote about that. But I didn’t write about, once again, being so triggered I needed an emergency visit with my doctor to do something about my frazzled nerves and elevated high blood pressure. I’ve been with Dr. Jess for maybe 4 years now? She got me together and told me to reach out to my family so I did. The truth was revealed at last. I need a sabbatical from life and a book deal to write about it.

the britney in me

The Paris error fare turned out to be even better than you and I could possibly imagine because my bestie decided to join! A dream come true doesn’t encapsulate what it felt being across Mona Lisa and in front of Raphael’s St. Michael Vanquishing Satan. A feeling I had was validated: Be still and know that I am God.

finally enough love

Cutting my hair in Barcelona was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I remembered why I like the buzz cut so much. I think I got a cool story to write about it. I feel like myself, pero myself without the haze and the chaos. I feel happy and peaceful. I am happy and peaceful.

Plans were made to reunite with my family for the holidays. Because my life is full, of course I spent Christmas Eve pon the emergency room. I literally can’t right now, but I have a feeling it’ll make for a really good story next year.

I’m excited about what’s to come. 2024 is gonna shook me with the amount of love and joy that’s coming my way. I feel it in my original bones.

Amen.