when i think of home i think of a place that was never ours.
most of my childhood took place in the projects of san juan, puerto rico.
when i was 10 and my brother 11, we told our dad he had to take us out of the house and into a better place or we’d move in with our mom’s side of the family.
we are a happy trio. my dad makes money. my brother cleans. i cook. we both take care of our dad, which includes a deep cleaning whenever he has an accident.
my dad’s health insurance approves 30 sets of condom catheters. think of how many times you do it in a day. he has no choice but to reuse them. my brother and i had no choice but to learn from a nurse friend how to disinfect them 🥴 after he teaches my dad how to use medical adhesive so it wouldn’t come off and cause accidents. it happened a lot. when it does i join my brother in cleaning duties.
i get tired of it quickly. i make my dad take me off school the day of his doctors appointment so i can talk to the MD about prescribing more. yeah, i’m 15 doing this because my dad is a man who hears what doctors say. he never asks questions. he doesn’t really share much. DO YOU GET WHY I AM LIKE THIS NOW?!?!?
of course we get the prescription so here we are at k-mart’s pharmacy where i find out medicare won’t approve more. sarcastically, the dispenser tells me to take it up to congress.
i get excited! my dream is to be a politician. i get to visit el capitolio and tell them what they need to do?!?! i’m in.
how naive of me. it’s wasn’t the puerto rican’s legislature decision. it was this one. the ameriKKKan legislature.
on the lucky days my brother isn’t at the apartment, my dad is working or at church, and my evil grandmother doesn’t yet live with us, i am free.
i close the windows to sing directly from the middle of my chest. i can feel the tingling in my throat. the easiness of my high kicking legs. the lines formed by my arms. the swag of my shoulders and the sinning way my hips take control of the beat blaring out of my dad's sick radio. i live my fonsi/jlo/britney/daddy yankee fantasy until i exhaust myself. i don't get to feel like this often so when i do, i don't take it for granted.
i have a handful of good memories in that apartment. most are of me singing and dancing.
i leave puerto rico for new york in 2013. my brother leaves for pennsylvania in search of better opportunities in 2016.
hurricane maria ravages puerto rico in 2017. i move my dad immediately after. i feel incredibly blessed because my brother loves our father as much as i do.
it isn’t an option for my dad to be in new york with me. look around, this city isn’t friendly to folks in wheelchairs, let alone poor ones.
we get our dad settled within 15 minutes from my brother’s house in pennsylvania. i’m extremely proud of the way we treat our father. he needs for nothing. it’s what Papi deserves.
we go to puerto rico often though never together.
when my dad goes back to puerto rico he stays with a girlfriend who adores him. she’s had her house modified for his comfort.
when my brother goes back to puerto rico he stays with his wife's family.
when i go back to puerto rico, i stay with friends.
this congress passed the bbb last week and my heart felt defeat like never before. i feel my dreams vanish into nothing. i work in managed long term care. my $45,000 a year masters degree + interest is in social work and i still haven’t sat down to write the final draft of the book.
amerikkkah's quick descent into worst version of karl's painfully accurate portrayal of our reality by codification of the neonazi agenda has sentenced me to gloom i've never felt. i can’t wrap my head around the inaction of these pinche gringos. mi gente would never.
i look the way i do and have the name i have. it’s terrifying to have the knowledge of a history nerd who spent years reading about Chile after their 9/11, also sponsored by The Greatest Country On Earth. and adored joan rivers so of course i’m well versed in one of her favorite targets: anne frank.
i decide to sit with my feelings for a few days.
it’ll do me good, i say out loud.
i know it will, i reassured myself. and my imaginary friend.
the arrival of monday brought clarity and hope. the thought appeared from the epicenter of my wisemind:
papito, vuelve pa puerto rico.
i connect with patients. i complete assessments. i do my best.
i have a moment to myself and a melody pops into my head.
i feel devastation emanate from my heart when i sing in a quiet whisper:
when i think of home i think of a place where there’s love overflowing.
i don’t have a home to go back to.