blue sky holiday*

bori c.bradshaw meets h#rny m.angelou

i wonder if 'a rock and a hard place' could be translated into puerto rican. because i feel like i'm in between a rock and a hard place. that's when i remembered how this saying goes in puerto rican: entre la espada y la pared. between the sword and a wall. i come to this realization while i'm in between a king and a ghost from my past.

my 20s were a haze. so many clouds. dark rainy and thunderous clouds of unresolved childhood trauma. the insecurities of a kid who grew up without a mom. the determination of someone who knows life doesn't afford you second chances. and the outrageous sex drive of someone who looks like this. you can get it when you want it. offered where you least expect it, like a political event.

its 2019 and the primary is heating up. i'm in brooklyn partaking in my civic duties: i was tasked with bringing los vip guests: elected officials, lobbyists, celebrities, the who's who of new york politics to a designed green room. i come outside from escorting somebody when i meet my next responsibility.

he's tall. his tie is loose like he has a job that pays well. his eyes. so intense the way he looks at me. fresh cut, fade like mine. orejón. studs on his oversized ears. my type.

he asks for my name like he couldn’t read it on my shirt and i asks his like he hadn’t just told me, i hadn’t looked at a list, looked him in the eyes and ask carter? to which he says yes. 

i ask for his name, again, and he goes, carter but this time he says carter and laughs.  i look into his eyes and the gloom in my mind dissipates.  he ran into somebody on the way to the lounge so we didn't get to talk. i can't get his stare out of my mind.

the event ends. i'm waiting to take a picture with the politician when i feel a tap on my shoulder. i'm triggered on the inside and i startled on the outside.

i'm trying my best to not let my face and body show my reaction. i smile and try to be here, where my feet are, in this brooklyn warehouse, and not in the dark clouds forming in my head as alex talks to me. that's his name. we dated for a few months while in grad school. it didn't end well. alex was thirsty for success and admiration. i was famished for love and affection.

he's a sexy, wannabe playboy who had toyed with my emotions but tonight while talking to him my blood is rushing to a place it shouldn't. i feel a familiar feeling take over me: dread. i'm scared to act on my physical urges, growing by the second.

i get it under control by thinking of the unsexiest man alive: ryan murphy. i take my picture with the politician and once again, alex is in front of me. speaking. he asks what i'm doing after. i take a second to think if i should lie or not when carter comes into view.

“nah, i'm going home. i'm kind tired.” i say to alex, truthfully.

“what about you?” i ask carter.

and he says, dancing. "we're going dancing. you should come with."

i feel my heart beat really fast. i feel jealousy building up in me so i say,

"sounds fun, maybe next time."

“i'll hold you to it,” says carter to me as i swoon by the certainty of his affirmation..

the calm before the storm: riding the subway to the upper west side.  no matter what the day brings, it has more to offer as soon as i turn the key to the apartment i share with my current, soon to be ex boyfriend.

recently i took the gym seriously and stopped binging on chocolate chip cookies. my soon to be ex boyfriend has become audacious.  the other day, walking down amsterdam, he held my hand.  i was happy until i realized he had done it because a guy walking towards us was checking me out.  now my soon to be ex boyfriend is all “who’d you see, where’d you go, who’d you meet.” 

i walk into my apartment and the weapons get dropped. i’m tippy toed so my soon to be ex boyfriend won’t know, like i’m not squealing with joy greeting the tricolor corgi we’re raising together.  i find a post-it announcing my soon to be ex boyfriend’s post work plans, luckily keeping him away for 3 more hours.

my phone buzzes. it’s a text from alex: carter and i are hanging out at his place in the heights, you should join.  before i could think of an excuse,  i typed where and press send.  

the intense stare from the beginning of the night starts replaying in my head.  

i feel more anxiety than excitement. more dread than anticipation. the clouds make me forget i am wanted and desired, even if not by the man i’ve been with for 4 years.  

i stand on a crowded train thinking of the times alex asked for what i’m about to do.

i tried to remember why i was hesitant about it and figure out why i’m doing it tonight. i was wondering so much i almost missed the subway stop!!!  

carter and his grey labrador greet me at the door.  he has a short glass with brown liquor in it.  he asks me if i want a drink and i take his.  he smirks. he says nice move, and i start to feel big. 

alex is on the phone pacing the apartment.  i play with the dog. carter makes himself a drink. the intensity in his eyes remain. for a second, i wonder if that’s the way he stares at everybody or if it’s me.

carter sits next to me and starts talking about the song coming out of his radio. he smells like sweet red plums and grilled cheese sandwiches.  i go for a kiss and he holds me by the small of my back.  we’re making out and alex joins for a bit but i can’t help myself.  i want carter and nobody else. i place my hand on carter’s chest and he unzips my pants.  i take off carter’s shirt and he grabs my smooth and shiny. 

alex excuses himself and goes to the bathroom. 

i ask carter where the bedroom is and he grabs me by the hand.  i sit on his bed and carter remains standing, pushing buttons on his speakers.  his glistening wide back reflected in the mirrors that cover his closet.  rock hard.  not the genre or volume.  he starts and alex joins.  the grey clouds return.  i’m trying and a few rays of sunlight come in when i was made to improvise a moan.  when carter grabs my thigh.  when alex tells me how sexy i am.  when carter looks at me.  quicker than i can realize, the clouds give way when carter looks at me.  

we continue and i flow through the clouds for what definitely was a long time considering the way my skin glows.  alex’s sounds excitement get me out of my head and back to this room. with it, the awareness of alex enjoying this way more than i was…

...uh, after being a fuckboi he’s here getting his and i’m halfway between this bed and my head? 

 i feel the annoyance rise in me. my body joins my head and realize what my mouth is doing to alex and what carter is doing to me. i wonder if there’s a saying for this in puerto rican.  this, carter’s rock and alex’s hard place.  

i can’t fault alex for enjoying it.  but i have a choice here… and it’s to choose myself. i leave alex without release.  

i stand in front of the the bathroom sink, both hands on it, studying my reflection. trying to not smile.  trying not to chuckle.  trying to not relish in what just happened when my soon to be ex boyfriend texts asking when i will be home.  about 40 mins, i reply back.  i throw water on my face.  

i go back to the room where the 90s r&b is playing. no words are said.  i sit on the edge of the bed near where he lays down.  we sip our drinks.  i break the silence to announce my departure.  “gimme your drink,” he says, puts it on his night table, and pulls me towards him.  i didn’t have time to; i didn’t want to resist.  he gives me a kiss and i say i have to go.  carter stares at me again and our breath synchronizes. 

while i’m getting dressed alex comes into the room and says he has to leave, too.

i sit by the door so i can tie my shoelace and pet his lab, rushing, but feeling the clouds in my mind dissipate, as i pet his labrador and keep my gaze on him, on carter.

i stand up and before i turn the doorknob, carter says: “we didn’t dance the way i was hoping to.”

now, at his doorstep, i try really hard to not quote shakira’s “tango’s not for three” lyric so i chuckle and turn my back on him. 

carter grabs my hand and pulls my lips towards his. 

he says, “we’ll definitely dance soon” as i get on the elevator.

i take a breath and close my eyes on the way down. the haze, the clouds, are vanishing.  for the first time, in my mind there’s only serenity and harmony. 

a blue sky holiday is on the horizon.